Keeping the Fireworks in Your Marraige

Every year, I look forward to celebrating the 4^th of July!  Not only is it a time to celebrate our country and freedoms, but it’s also my Dad’s birthday!  The 4^th of July has always been one of my favorite family celebrations because it’s full of family, food, fun, and fireworks!!!  I have the sweetest memories of past 4^th of July celebrations and most of them include this handsome guy in the picture below!

I have to admit, that many of my favorite memories of past 4^th of July celebrations include sneaking away with this guy at some point and getting a kiss during the fireworks show!  I know, I know…so scandalous, right?!  (Side note…I have learned a lot since my dating days and I am really encouraging my children to hold off on the physical aspect of relationships until marriage, despite the fact that Nathan and I chose to kiss while dating…a lot!  That’s a post for another day though, so back to today's post!)  As I was recently thinking back, reminiscing about past 4^th of July’s, I couldn’t help but smile.  We sure have had our share of fireworks in our relationship!

We officially began dating when I was in 9^th grade…although there was a whole lot of flirting going on long before we made it official!  We were high school sweethearts and have been in a committed relationship for 20 years now, 13 of those being happily married!!!  Honestly, it’s hard to remember life without him.  He’s been my best friend through every phase of life and I can’t imagine life without him.  

Twenty years is a long time to be committed to someone.  Often times, it’s easy to grow comfortable over time and lose the spark that was once there.  It’s especially easy to lose that spark once you become parents.  As moms, we can often put the needs of our children above our husband and if we aren’t careful, we will lose the fireworks in our marriage.  Nathan and I vowed early on in our marriage that when we were blessed with children, we would always be intentional in putting our marriage first.  It’s not always easy, but I can tell you this…it is necessary! 

You don’t have to look far to realize the spiritual attacks that are on the family unit.  Satan has attacked God’s design of the family unit since the very beginning!  Just look at Adam and Eve!  What God designed to be good…a man and woman, naked in a beautiful garden, the very first husband and wife, told to go and reproduce and have everything you need…became Satan’s first target!  He is out to destroy God’s design of family…he desires to destroy trust, intimacy, and love within a marriage.  We need to be on our guard always, being intentional to protect that which God has brought together! 

If we are not careful and on guard to protect our marriage, we will unknowingly open a door for Satan to sneak into our marriage.  Once that door has been cracked, the enemy will waste no time before distracting us with life's responsibilities.  Pretty soon, we find ourselves overwhelmed with duties, often lacking the energy to nurture the relationships that are most important to us.  Before you know it, tempers rise, feelings get hurt, frustration sets in, you disconnect, offense is taken, distrust enters, and you are left wondering how and when the passion left your marriage!  It doesn't happen overnight, but all too often, by the time couples realize the sparks are gone in their marriage, they feel it’s simply too late and they give up.  Well, if you are anything like me, I have entirely too much to lose so I refuse to allow that door to be opened!  I don’t care how many years I am with my husband…I don’t ever want to lose those fireworks in our marriage!

Now that we have four little ones, it’s harder to keep the spark alive, but it can be done!  Isn't it just like the enemy to use one of God's greatest blessings...our children...to try to distract couples from nurturing and protecting the unity of our marriage!?  We have to work at it and be intentional to make each other a priority.  There are days that it comes really easy, and then there are those days where it seems nearly impossible to even get two seconds alone together.  It's important for couples to embrace each season that God sets before you.  Right now, we are enjoying this season of life with our babies and we don’t want to wish these precious years away at all.  If anything, it just allows us to be more creative in how we keep the passion there.  There will be a day when the kids are grown and it’s once again, just me and my guy.  If we choose to just coast through our marriage with the mindset that we will reignite the fireworks once the kids are grown, we are entering dangerous territory.  God never designed marriage to be a coasting trip.  Instead, we need to actively engage one another, staying connected spiritually, emotionally, and physically, so that we are one flesh, just as God designed marriage to be.

In order to be "one" with your spouse, you have to prioritize your relationship and work at keeping it healthy, no matter what season of life you are in.  The more you work at it, the easier it actually becomes and when your relationship is healthy, it doesn’t feel like work at all…it becomes natural and something you look forward to doing.  Here is a list of things that have helped us keep the fireworks in our marriage for the past 13 years, even with a house full of kids! 

How to Keep the Fireworks In Your Marriage When Raising Young Children

          1. PRAY FOR YOUR SPOUSE.

Praying for you and your spouse daily is absolutely necessary in order to keep the fireworks in your marriage.  As I mentioned before, Satan is determined to tear apart anything and everything that God put together!  He is after your marriage, because if he can destroy your family unit, he will likely have easier access to your children too.  I highly encourage you to pray specific prayers that are personalized to you and your husband’s needs daily, however for the sake of this blog post, I want to focus our attention today on praying over your husband’s heart and mind and praying over the unity of your marriage.  Get in a habit of starting your day praying for your husband and your marriage.  Always begin by thanking God for your husband and then pray the Word of God over him. 

God’s Word says, “So will My word be which goes forth from My mouth; It will not return to Me empty, but it will accomplish that which I desire, and will succeed in the thing for which I sent it.” Isaiah 55:11

When we pray scripture over our spouse, we are effectively praying the mind and will of God, as revealed in His Word, into our marriages!  Here is a list of scriptures that I challenge you to pray over your husband daily and post them in your prayer closet.

• Father, give my husband the mind of Christ, saturate it with godly wisdom. Help him to take every thought captive that is not in obedience to Your Word, and in so doing protect him from pride and temptation. (1 Corinthians 2:16, 2 Corinthians 10:5) 

• Father, open the eyes of my husband’s heart to understand Your Word, so that he won’t be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of his mind so that he may know Your good, acceptable and perfect will for his life and our marriage. (Romans 12:2)

• Father, help my husband to trust in You with all his heart, not depending on his own understanding, but acknowledging You in all his ways, so he knows what direction our family should take. (Proverbs 3:5-6) 

• Father, help us to live together in perfect unity by loving, honoring and respecting one another and serving each other for Your glory, honor and praise! (1 Thessalonians 5:13)

There are so many great books and resources now available that are filled with powerful prayers to pray over your husband and marriage.  Fervent, by Priscilla Shirer and Proverbs 31 Ministries are both great resources for finding specific scriptures to pray over your spouse and marriage.  (The prayers above came from Proverbs 31 Ministries.)

2. MAKE SEX AND INTIMACY A PRIORITY.

Listen, I’m a mother of four little ones all under the age of 8 years old, so I know better than anyone how hard it is to make sex and intimacy a priority!  I totally get it!  I’m going to try to tackle this portion of advice as PG Rated as I can, because I know my mother and grandmother will be reading this! (insert laugh emoji here!) 

Gone are the days where I surprise my husband at the door in lingerie or where spontaneous make-out sessions occur on the couch daily.  Instead, he is now greeted by a house full of children, oftentimes all jumping, tugging, squealing, and fighting over his attention!  We now have to be a little more creative and a lot more intentional about making sex and intimacy a priority.

When you have young children in the home, sex and intimacy often get pushed aside and become more of a marital duty at the end of the day.  The problem with that is that many days...okay, most days... you are left feeling completely exhausted!  As you roll into bed with your messy bun, you are feeling far from sexy after having worn your comfy yoga pants for the 3^rd day in a row with that favorite tee that still smelled like the baby’s spit up from the day before!  Intimacy isn’t always easy when you have young children, but it is necessary to keep the fireworks in your marriage!  Don't ever get so busy that you fail to make your husband feel wanted and desired.  Instead of waiting until the end of the day, find creative ways to be intimate during the day!  Send flirty text messages to your husband during the day or lean in for that kiss on his neck when you greet him after work.  There are plenty of intimate gestures that are appropriate with children around that can be playful and exciting.  Don’t allow your sex life to become boring and non-existent when you have children.  Be creative and keep it interesting! 

Be physical as often as possible!.  Physical intimacy doesn’t always have to lead to sex and honestly, it shouldn’t!  I am a naturally physical person, so I usually can’t keep my hands off of my husband!  If we are together, you are most likely going to see us holding hands, touching legs, hugging, or having our arms around each other.  It’s now a natural thing that we just do unconsciously, but there was a time when we had to work on being affectionate in order to keep the spark in our marriage.  Always be looking for opportunities to be intimate and physical with your spouse. 

3. MAKE ALONE TIME WITH YOUR SPOUSE A PRIORITY.

In order to keep the fireworks in your marriage, you HAVE to make time for just the two of you!  Your husband should be your absolute best friend and you should never allow anyone else to take that role away from your spouse.  Friends NEED time together, so I encourage you to date your mate at least once a month.  If you don’t have family in town to watch your children, find someone from your church or a neighbor that would be willing to give you and your husband a break for a night.  This time with just the two of you is vital in a relationship.  This time should be used to reconnect both physically and emotionally!  Talk about life, dream about the future, tell each other your secrets, and laugh together!  Do things that you both enjoy and take turns in participating in each other’s hobbies or interests.  Try new things or go to your favorite dinner spot from your days before marriage…just be intentional!

For us, once a month isn’t near enough, so we often close our door and lock it!  Yes, even with four small children in the house!  There are times when that conversation can’t be put off until bedtime or when those plans can’t wait until date night, so our children know that when Mom and Dad lock the bedroom door, that’s our special alone time.  We like to make a game out of it sometimes to see how long we can escape before the kids actually realize the door is locked!  It’s nice to get that time together, even if for just a few minutes, to snuggle a bit, have a conversation, or just have some quiet time together…and if you are feeling especially adventurous, do something more!

Time alone is very important for Nathan and I.  Since having children, we have always made it a priority to put our kids to bed early.  Aside from vacations and special occasions, our children hardly ever stay up later than 8:30.  This allows us two hours of alone time each evening to connect!  We love to watch our favorite shows together or sit out on the patio next to the fire pit.  We cherish our evenings as a family, but I'm not gonna lie...this is often our favorite part of the day!  Getting that time to unwind and just be together is always so refreshing and we look forward to that time together.

Whether it’s regular date nights, watching your favorite shows together, snuggling on the couch, or locking yourself in your room…make it a priority in your marriage to spend alone time with each other.  It’s necessary if you want to keep the fireworks!

4. GET INVOLVED WITH YOUR HUSBAND’S HOBBIES AND CAREER.

My husband LOVES to golf!  When we first got married, it used to hurt my feelings that he enjoyed golfing with his buddies.  He worked all week and for some reason, I expected his love for me to be so intense that he would want to spend every available moment with me…and only me!  Well, it’s a good thing that The Lord gave me a good dose of wisdom regarding this matter, because I needed it!

When you allow, or better yet, encourage your husband to participate in the hobbies that he enjoys, it will ignite fireworks in your marriage.  It helps remove the nagging and resentment in your relationship.   Your husband will be more likely to reciprocate his appreciation for your encouragement of his hobbies by making the most of your time together. 

We all have an activity that allows us to decompress…whether that’s golfing, fishing, scrolling through Facebook, or reading.  If we deprive our spouse of this activity, it can often cause frustration, resentment, and bitterness.  Don’t open this door for the enemy!  He will have a hay day with it!  Instead, encourage it in moderation and if possible, do it together at times! 

When your spouse sees you taking an active role in the things that are important to him, it will bring an element to your relationship that produces fireworks!  This applies not only to his hobbies, but his career as well.  Get to know his daily accomplishments at work and praise him for those successes!  You should be your husband's number one supporter!  It's also important to find out his frustrations about the job and problem solve with him and pray for him in those areas.  Encourage him often with words of affirmation.  Men may not be the best at opening up and communicating how much they appreciate your active involvement and genuine interest in the things that are important to them, but trust me...your husband will look to you as his greatest confidant when he sees that he has not only your love, but your respect as well.

Be a source of encouragement for him and refrain from nagging.  The Bible says it best in Proverbs 21:9.  “It’s better for a man to live alone in a corner of the attic than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.”

Learn to encourage him in his interests and take an active role!

5. COMMUNICATE OFTEN AND FOR HEAVENS SAKE…BE DIRECT! 

Communication is vital in any relationship, but it is absolutely necessary in order to keep the fireworks in your marriage.  Tell your husband how you feel and be direct.  Never send subliminal messages to your husband!  Men do not read in between the lines, so just be direct!  Don’t insinuate things, suggest things, hint at things, or anything else of the like!  Instead, communicate clearly.  Tell your husband exactly what is on your mind but be gentle in how you speak to him.  I recently came across this prayer in a blog that I read and I thought it was worth sharing. 

Lord, grant us Your wisdom when addressing difficult subjects. Let us see and hear the other’s heart with the spiritual wisdom that You freely give. Teach us to speak truth to each other in love. As we navigate these days together, let our words and actions toward the other be compassionate, humble, patient, gentle, and kind. (Scripture References: James 1:5; Ephesians 1:18, 4:15; Isaiah 11:2; Colossians 3:12) 

Talk with your spouse often and be a good listener.  Men often struggle with communicating their feelings.  Don't push your husband to open up the way you do.  Learn to be patient and hear his heart.  My husband can be a man of few words, but when he speaks I try to always stop what I'm doing and really listen because his words are either full of wisdom or he's seeking my advice, approval, or support in a specific area of our lives.  

Here' some wisdom for you on the topic of communication...and this is free!  There will be times in your marriage where you need to address an issue with your husband, whether it's something he's done that has upset you or you disagree.  Men can tend to have one of two responses if they feel like they are being "attacked" or nagged...passive aggressive behavior or defensive behavior.  Passive aggression makes it very difficult to talk out a problem because he will usually disengage in the conversation and just walk away to remove himself from the ambush.  If he becomes defensive, he may argue his way out of the conversation, often saying things in response that only makes the situation worse.  Both of these responses can usually be avoided if you simply give your husband some time to think about his response, so bring up the issue and then set a time to come together to discuss it, either later that day or the next day.  This has been a great communicating strategy for us because it helps us avoid heated discussions and instead allows us to come together to solve disagreements in a respectful and loving manner.  It's a whole lot easier for a marriage to keep the fireworks when you aren't arguing and fighting. (And for goodness sakes, if you do argue, be respectful!  NEVER speak down to your husband or about your husband...not to your mother, not to your friends, not to anyone!  There is nothing worst to a man than being put down by those he loves most...especially in a public setting.  Just don't do it...even if he is in the wrong.  Respect is typically his number one need and if he catches wind that you are talking down about him to others, it's a sure fire way of killing the fireworks show in your marriage.)

When you are open with your spouse and feel comfortable sharing anything and everything with him in love, it connects you on a much deeper level and the sparks will never dim. 

I know I’m not an expert on marriage and I’m sure many of you have been married much longer than I.  However, these are some nuggets of wisdom that I have learned along the way.  I pray that God will use my words to encourage other moms who may be feeling disconnected from their husbands and feeling a little discouraged.  No marriage is ever too far gone for God to restore what was lost.  If your marriage has lost the fireworks that were once there, I have full confidence that God can and will restore the passion!  He is faithful!  If you find this post helpful and encouraging, I would love for you to share this with your friends and family.  I know God lead me to write this for a purpose and I trust it will touch those that need to hear it most.  

Love you friends and Happy 4^th of July!!!  Now go find your guy tonight and kiss under the fireworks! XOXOXO

Mary