God's Design for Sex...When Is It the Right Time To Talk To Your Children

We live in a culture where girls are pressured to act and dress older than they really are and kids in general are much more knowledgeable of sexual terms and behaviors thanks to the internet and our entertainment industry.  As a mom, I deeply desire to maintain my children’s innocence, but there’s a fine line between preserving innocence and just being naïve.  A couple of years ago, when my oldest daughter was just six years old, I started researching and praying about when and how to begin the discussion of sex with my children.  I found out there are thousands of books and even more opinions on the matter!  I obviously wanted to discuss sex with my kids from a Biblical perspective, so I began researching some of the Christian authors that had books on the subject of teaching children about sex.  Some of the questions that raced through my mind included:

-       At what age should I sit my children down and have “the” talk?

-       How much do I tell them?

-       At what age should I stop bathing my children together?

-       When should I stop dressing in front of my children?

-       Should I wait until they see or hear something and then start the conversation?

-       If I talk to them too early, will it cause unnecessary curiosity?

     Is it better for me to talk to my children about sex alone or should my husband and I have this conversation together? 

-       Should I talk about everything all at once or just a little at a time and have a longer,  ongoing discussion?

I just had so many questions and after reading several of the book summaries, I had even more!  If there is one book that I believe to be a successful parenting tool, it is the Word of God!  I believe every word of the Bible to be true so I started there!  I began to pray for wisdom.  James 1:5 tells us “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.”  I fully believe that the Lord will equip us to fulfill our calling and purpose and parenting may be my most important calling of all!  “May the God of peace equip you with everything good that you may do his will, working in us that which is pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ.” (Hebrews 13:21).  Knowing these two truths gives me so much peace as I go along my parenting journey. 

It really is true that it takes a village to raise our children and I am so thankful that The Lord brings the right people into our lives at the right time.  Whether it’s from family, friends, pastors, teachers, authors, or online bloggers, I am open to receive wisdom from them all when it comes to parenting my children in the ways of the Lord!  It is for this reason I write this blog today.  For those of you who are in a similar season with the same questions I had, I have found a great resource for parents to teach their children about sex!  Obviously, I would encourage you to pray and seek the Lord as well, because He knows your kids best!  However, I hope you will find this information helpful.

After reading through dozens of book summaries and over one hundred reviews from parents, I chose to purchase the “God’s Design for Sex Series” by Stan and Brenna Jones.  This series comes with four different books and each book is geared towards a specific age range.  The first book is recommended for ages 3-5 years old.  My girls were almost 4 and 6 years old at the time that I purchased them so I read it to them together and have since read it to my now 4 year old son.  This book was very age appropriate and was in a picture book format.  The story portrays the love and goodness of God and emphasizes how each of us are uniquely designed by God.  It teaches proper names for private body parts and talks about how special it is that we each were made a boy or girl.  I love that the book paints such a beautiful picture of the family unit as God’s context for love.  My girls really enjoyed it and the content was nothing new to them, as they learned how God created boys and girls differently when their little brother was born.  I left it on their book shelf for them to read at their pleasure over the next year and it was read again several times. 

The second picture book is recommended for ages 5-8 years old so I waited a year and then read it to them together.  This one included a lot more details on sexuality, human reproduction, and the miracle of childbirth.  There were parts that were difficult to read with a straight face, but one thing I felt the Lord impress on my heart from the beginning was to teach my children that sex was a wonderful thing that the Lord created for marriage and not to make it something to be awkward or embarrassed about.  With that in mind, I read the book with a very matter of fact attitude and allowed my girls to stop me anytime throughout the story and ask questions.  There were some wide eyes and surprised faces and honestly afterwards, I walked away wondering if it was too much too soon.  I prayed about it again and still felt a peace that it was part of the process of training up my kids in the ways of the Lord so I left the book on their bookshelf and allowed the Holy Spirit to water the seeds that I had just planted into the hearts of my girls.  Slowly, my girls would mention something about what we read and they wanted to know more.  Sometimes, my answers to their questions were all they wanted and the conversations were quick and other times those answers led to even more questions.  The dialogue that has started though has been so beautifully orchestrated and I know the Holy Spirit has guided my words.  My girls are only 7 and 8 years old today, but they already have an understanding that sex is a wonderful thing for a husband and wife.  Because of these books, we have already got past the awkwardness of that first conversation so they are comfortable coming to me to ask me about what to expect when they get married someday. 

I am so thankful the Holy Spirit led me to start these conversations early on because they are already forming their opinions on sex and learning what is appropriate according to God’s Word.  I feel like the information they have learned has also helped protect them from sexual abuse because we have started healthy conversations of what’s appropriate and what’s not appropriate and how to respond.  Having that Biblical perspective revealed is so important for kids and they really need that foundation before they hit puberty so that they can process the information without all of the emotions that they are experiencing during puberty.  We still have the last two books to read together.  Book 3 is recommended for age 8-11 and book 4 is for ages 11-14.  Many of the parent reviews recommend waiting until the latter part of the age recommendations, so I am still praying about when to read book 3 with my oldest.  She will be 9 in May and I have not felt the leading to read it yet.  This book deliberately exposes the moral messages that our culture sends to our kids and scenarios that they are being exposed to that are contrary to God’s Word.  It is in a question and answer format between the kids and their Mom and Dad.  Basically, they go through each question and do a great job at building their child’s defense against it.  Every answer builds your child’s understanding of why God intends sex to be reserved for marriage and it will definitely shape your child’s moral character.  The author firmly believes that first messages are the most powerful, so why wait until they hear the wrong thing from friends and then try to correct it?  It’s direct, but presented in a wholesome and understandable way.  Book 4 equips kids to understand and deal with the changes of puberty.  It also examines why God intends sex for marriage, discusses love and dating, and answers tough questions about sexuality.  These are great books and although I’m certain there are many other great resources out there, I wanted to share this one because I felt it has a very strong Biblical emphasis which I love!

As I continue to pray for wisdom in my parenting journey, I believe the Lord not only lead me to these books, but He also lead me to another great author and public speaker named Dannah Gresh.   She has a ministry called Secret Keeper Girls that is geared towards pre-teen girls.  I was drawn to her deep knowledge of not only the Biblical and spiritual aspect of sex, modesty, and self-worth, but she has extensive knowledge in the science aspect of sex and the effects that it has on your body and mind.  I read several of her articles and listened to several videos on her website at purefreedom.org and I immediately had a peace about her ministry and trusted her advice.  I have read several of her books and I am so excited that her “Secret Keeper Girls Tour” is coming to Tulsa next week!  For those of you who have daughters between the ages of 7 and 12 years old, I highly recommend you check out her website or Facebook page and come to her event!  She has some great advice for parenting young girls and will be at the Maybe Center on March 24th so check her out!   

I pray daily for my children that they would know their worth and be bold in their stance for purity and holiness.  I pray they would be successful in living IN this world but not be OF this world.  I also pray for your sons and daughters too!  I pray there is a generation of young people being raised to honor God in all that they do.  The world is doing everything they can to normalize sin.  If we don’t teach our children to follow Christ, the world will teach them not to.  Let’s continue to encourage each other along the way and don’t be afraid to impart wisdom into the lives of those in your sphere of influence.  God is equipping you and as He gives you wisdom in that area you have been praying for, be open to sharing it with others!  It take a village and I want my village to be full of men and women with godly counsel!  I'm always open to sound Biblical advice so share away.

“Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise.” Proverbs 19:20

When the Road Seems Unbearable...God is Faithful

Last week, we celebrated our daughter’s 7^th birthday.  Khloe is a constant reminder of God’s faithfulness in our lives.  Her story started off much like my oldest daughter’s story.  My husband and I were absolutely thrilled to find out we were pregnant.  He was there by my side as we went to the doctor and listened to her heart beat for the first time.  We were giddy as we left with the first ultrasound picture of our little peanut.  From there on, we looked forward to our monthly doctor visits and always tried to figure out the sex of our baby based on the number of heart beats per minute.  When it finally came time for our big ultrasound appointment at the halfway mark of my pregnancy, we were so excited to find out we were having another GIRL!  Tears filled my eyes as I saw her perfect body on the ultrasound monitor and the images of my girls growing up together flooded my mind…sharing clothes, sharing secrets, the best of friends…I couldn’t have been happier!!!  Once again, we left this doctor’s appointment with a clean bill of health and we were so excited for the future!

Life was perfect.  We were building the house of our dreams and the timing was absolutely perfect.  We were expected to move into our new home a couple of months before our daughter was going to be born so we would have plenty of time to get settled in.  Life with a toddler was fun, busy, and always exciting!  My biggest concern in life was simply wondering if I would be able to love this new child as much as we loved our first daughter!  How is that even possible, right!?  Life was good.

Throughout my pregnancy, I noticed some noticeable differences between my first and second pregnancies.  My first child was very active in the womb and I felt her bouncing around constantly starting around 17 weeks along!  Everyone told me that I would probably feel the kicks even earlier with my second pregnancy since I knew what they felt like.  I had mentioned to my doctor a couple of times that I hadn’t felt the baby kick yet but she always assured me that the baby sounded great and there was nothing to worry about.  She even explained that my placenta was in a different location this time so that could also be making it more difficult for me to feel the baby.  I remember lying in bed one evening when I was 28 weeks pregnant and I was praying over my baby like I often did.  I prayed over her health, her delivery, her future, just everything that a mother thinks about.  I had my hands on my belly and I felt one faint kick and then nothing else.  That was the very first time I had felt movement since being pregnant.  The more I thought about it, I just didn’t feel like that was normal.  How could I be so far along and still not feeling movement.  I called my doctor the next day to ask for an ultrasound.  Something just didn’t feel right.  She had me come in for monitoring, but was told I couldn’t have an ultrasound because my insurance didn’t cover it.  I felt better after hearing her strong heartbeat and went home.  The weeks seem to fly by when you have a toddler keeping you busy, not to mention all the packing we were doing preparing for the move.  Before I knew it, I realized I was already 31 weeks along!  This pregnancy was flying by!  The night before my next doctor’s appointment, I realized I still hadn’t felt the baby since that first kick at 28 weeks.  I had made up my mind that I was going to demand an ultrasound at my appointment the next day and would be willing to pay out of pocket for it since my insurance did not cover it.  So the next day, after hearing my concerns, she went ahead and agreed to do an ultrasound since the room was unexpectedly open!  Praise God!  Coincidence?  I think not.  God’s handprint is all over our story!

Our ultrasound confirmed our concerns, there was something wrong.  Our perfectly healthy baby was now showing signs of great concern.  At my 20-week ultrasound, she was measuring right on track for her due date, however, at 31 weeks, she was only measuring 27 weeks along.  My doctor admitted me into the hospital immediately and ordered a round of steroids because she was preparing for an emergency delivery.  She feared there may be an infection in the baby.  I was nervous but surprisingly calm. 

I was hooked up to many monitors and I fell asleep to the sound of my baby’s strong heartbeat beating over the monitors in the background.  When my doctor came back in to check on me, she looked over the heart rate charts and she explained to me that the baby is not showing any signs of distress and that her heartrate sounds strong.  She decided to not deliver that night and kept me for monitoring all weekend.  She gave me another round of steroids before I left the hospital on Sunday night and sent me to a specialist first thing Monday morning.  The specialist had all kinds of fancy ultrasound technology and he literally looked at every part of the baby’s body and of my womb.  Once again, he confirmed that our baby girl was not growing the way she should be, however, he did not see anything that made him believe the baby was in danger or at risk.  Her heart sounded healthy and strong and she did not show any signs of distress.  The blood flow to and from the baby looked good and everything he examined seemed perfect.  The only concern was her size.  He told me to go home and pack my bags because he decided it would be best to go ahead and admit me until her birth. 

Now, if you have read my story, you know that fear and anxiety once gripped me for nearly ten years of my life.  It was the darkest days of my life, but God delivered me and set my mind free and healed my body in the process.  If you would have told me that I would have been hospitalized when I was 31 weeks pregnant, would have to be separated from my daughter and husband for possibly two months, and that my baby would only be 2lbs and may be born with some major health problems, I would have told you there is no way I could handle that.  Oh, and add the part that all of that would happen right before you are set to move out of your current home!  I would have thought that would have been the very thing to throw me right back into a life of panic and worry.  Just the thought of it happening today, makes me have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  But God…

People throw around the saying, “God won’t ever give you more than you can handle.”  I have never understood that saying at all.  First of all, I don’t believe God allows bad things to happen to His kids.  That just doesn’t line up with His nature.  There are many things that I don’t understand, but one thing I know for sure is this: God is a good God and the devil is a bad devil.  Everything good comes from God.  “Whatever is good and perfect comes down to us from God our Father.” (James 1:17).  No matter what my circumstances may be, I know without a doubt that my God is faithful! 1 Corinthians 1:9 says, “God, who has called into fellowship with His Son Jesus Christ our Lord, is faithful.”  I get teary just thinking about His faithfulness.  He has been so good to me. 

I cannot begin to explain and put into words the peace that I had throughout my entire pregnancy.  From the moment I felt something was not right to the moments I saw the look on my doctor’s face when she discovered something was wrong with our baby, I can’t explain it.  There was never a sense of worry or fear…not once.  I can remember being in the hospital right after we discovered something was wrong and I was being prepped for a possible emergency delivery.  They gave me a round of steroids to help the baby’s lung development and then told me the doctor would be in soon.  As I sat there in the hospital bed, I can remember being more concerned with trying to reach my substitute teacher because I was teaching at the time!  I even looked at my husband at one point and said I feel like I should be more worried than I am, but I have such a peace.  Bless his heart, I think he was trying to remain calm for my sake, but I think I was the one making him feel at peace!  The Lord literally met me where I was that day and helped me do what I needed to do…from the quick phone calls to family, friends, and coworkers to the childcare needs for my two-year-old daughter, to the last minute packing needs at home.  He took care of every detail.  He surrounded me with friends and family that stepped in before I could even ask.  My daughter was taken care of, I had family and friends at my home who packed up my entire home…every last box…and I had people volunteering to bring meals and help out however needed.  God is faithful. 

During my stay in the hospital and even after Khloe’s birth, I sensed so strongly The Lord telling me to guard my heart.  I felt Him warn me to be very careful as to who I allowed to come visit and speak into my life.  Word spread very quickly throughout our church and community what our situation was and although many people have good intentions, it’s easy in those scary moments for people to speak doubt and I heard God tell me to guard my heart and to surround myself with people who would speak life and The Word of God over my baby and situation.  And that, I did.  During the time I was in the hospital, I had my parents and other believers standing in agreement with us as we prayed for Khloe’s health.  We declared God’s promises over her life and stood on God’s Word for her health and healing because we knew that even in those moments that we didn’t have the answers or understand what was going on, God is still faithful!  With every prayer and promise spoken, our faith increased and so did our peace.  I knew she was going to be okay regardless of how small she was or how early she came.  I just knew.  So I began to pray she would come.  I can remember my husband telling me to stop praying that because she needed to cook a little longer, but I told him, “No, I know she is going to be okay so I just want her here already!”  I knew she wasn’t getting the nutrition inside my womb so I wanted her here where I could hold her and feed her and be assured that she was getting the care she needed.  The next morning after reviewing my charts, our doctor informed us the baby’s heartrate had dropped several times over night so today was the day!  I was ecstatic!  God is faithful! 

I delivered a tiny baby girl on March 7, 2010.  She was only 2.8lbs. and 14” long.  She was the tiniest baby I had ever seen and she fit in her Daddy’s hand.  I will never forget the sound of her cry in the delivery room.  They took her away immediately and I told my husband to go with her.  He left my side for a moment and I could see him watching over her as the team of doctors worked on her on a small table across the room.  I couldn’t see her, but when she started crying I knew she was tiny by the sound of her itty bitty cry.  Before the team of doctors left with the baby, Nathan came over and showed me some pictures of her that he took with his phone.  She was tiny but so perfect.  God is faithful.  Again, I can’t begin to describe the peace I felt.  When the Bible says “The peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:7), I have experienced that kind of peace.  Even though she was six weeks early and the smallest baby in NICU, she was the healthiest one!  She was only on oxygen for 12 hours because her lungs were fully functioning!  Praise God!  He is faithful!  With each shift change, a new nurse would come in and review her charts only to express their amazement that she wasn’t experiencing the health problems that most preemies experience.  She was a miracle and there wasn’t a doctor that could convince me otherwise!  I believe the enemy thought he could destroy me by taking the life of my child…but God!

“What the enemy intended to harm me, God used it for good.” Genesis 50:20

As Nathan and I celebrated our daughter’s 7^th birthday, we recalled all that we endured…the sudden hospitalization, the emergency delivery, six long weeks in the NICU, dividing our time between our toddler daughter and visits to NICU, driving 30 minutes to the hospital twice a day during my oldest daughter’s naptime and once again after we tucked her in every evening that way she got our full attention while she was awake and we were able to enjoy our skin to skin time with our baby in NICU and be there in the evenings for her bath time and feeding, moving out of our first home when our baby was only 6 days old and still in the hospital and I was recovering from a C-section, living with my parents for a few days in between closings, moving into our new home while still recovering from a C-section, and having to drive away from the hospital the day I was discharged without my baby girl.  We asked each other, “How did we do it?”  We know it was God!  We never once felt burdened or overwhelmed or pulled or stretched.  We simply woke up every day and did what we had to do and we did it with God’s joy, strength and perfect peace.  We made it!  God was and still is faithful!  He carried us through a season that seemed impossible and He made it possible.  He will do the same for you!

I would love for you to share about a time in your life where God’s faithfulness carried you through.  Feel free to share in the comments section below!  For some of you, you have made it!  Others may still be in the process of being carried through.  Wherever you are in your journey, be encouraged and let me remind you that God is faithful!  He meets us where we are and the very thing we thought we could never handle or be able to bear, He is there with us and He carries us until we make it out on the other side!  I will leave you with this…God is not finished. 

“For I am confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will continue to perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6

Here is a picture of our precious Khloe, then and now.  We know God is not finished with her and He will complete the work He has already begun.