Not long ago, I had a close friend ask me for some dating
advice. She was wanting to pass along
some advice to her younger sister who was entering the season in her life where
she was interested in dating. I couldn’t
help but ask myself what would I want to tell my own daughters someday about
dating?
My children are growing up in a culture where dating is no
longer an innocent opportunity to get to know someone better and have fun with
friends. Instead, it has become an
opportunity for a sexual “hook up”. According
to Glamour magazine, 46% of men have sex on the first date and 33% of women
admitted to the same. The majority of
Americans become sexually active once in a committed relationship. Only 3% of the US population save sex for
marriage! Sex is now considered one of
the most important aspects to building a healthy relationship, according to
experts. Saving sex for marriage is an
outdated concept in today’s culture and according to relationship experts,
saving sex for a committed relationship is even old-school!
Now, when I see these statistics and hear the stories from
friends and family members, I immediately begin thinking that “courting” is
sounding like a really great concept to teach my children…I don’t care how
old-school it may seem! Listen, ideally,
my children would be so focused on God as they grow up that they don’t even
notice the cutie across the room. I
would be perfectly okay if my kids chose not to date until they were 25 years
old and shortly after, fall in love, marry their soul-mate and live happily
ever! However, I am not naïve! If I want to see my children approach dating
differently from the world, then I have to do my part in teaching them long
before my daughters become interested in boys and long before my son starts
getting googly eyed over pretty girls! There’s
a reason God laid out His design in His Word.
God’s ways are higher than our ways.
Afterall, He created us and God knows every intricate detail of our life…
He knows how a sexual relationship affects our bodies, hearts, and minds. God gives us very clear instruction in His
Word about His design for marriage and there is no question that sex outside of
marriage is sin. Knowing God’s design
for marriage is vital if we want to approach dating with a Godly perspective. Although the Bible doesn’t mention “dating”
or “courtship”, it does give clear principles that we should abide by before marriage. I believe the most important principle for
believers to adhere by when it comes to dating is to separate yourself from the
world’s view of dating, because God’s way contradicts the world’s way.
“Do not conform to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by
the renewing of your mind.” Romans 12:2
My oldest is just 8 years old, but we have been talking
about boys to her for quite some time!
When she was just 4 years old, there were some boys in her class that
chased her on the playground and she came home telling me these boys wanted to
be her boyfriend! I wasn’t prepared for
it to start at 4 years old, but it did so we started laying the ground work
then for God’s design for dating and marriage.
We began talking to our kids at a very young age about their future
spouse. We dream together and talk about
all of the wonderful things they will get to do together. We talk about how special that person is and
we pray for them often. They understand
that God has a special plan and when His timing is right, He will direct their
paths to cross and they will one day meet and fall in love. They often wonder if they have already met
the person…only time will tell.
We have started talking to our daughters about how special it
would make her feel if they met the “one” and learned later that he had made the
choice to save his heart for only her.
He never gave a piece of his heart (or body) to another girl on the
playground or to that girl in class. He
chose to hang out with his friends instead of going on dates with all the girls
that kept texting him constantly. He
kept his eyes on God and leaned on Him to guide and direct his footsteps. It wasn’t until he met my daughter that he
knew in his spirit that she was the one and it was then that he finally allowed
his heart to be vulnerable to fall in love.
My girls get giddy when we have conversations like that. I let them know how important it is for them
to do the same for their future husband because he is such a special guy and he’s
totally worth waiting for. We pray that
the Holy Spirit will be their guide and that when the timing is right, God will
make their paths cross. I teach my girls
that they don’t have to do the searching because God already knows and as long
they go where the Spirit leads, it will happen.
They will know.
I’m sure there will come a time when they think they have
met “the one” and they come to me and their father and ask if they can date
him. When this time comes, I pray that I
have done well in teaching my children what to look for when dating
someone. First of all, I pray that they
choose to date with a purpose. Dating without
a purpose only leads to sin and broken hearts.
I want my children to approach dating with their future in mind. Is it someone they can see a future
with? If not, it’s not worth the
emotional attachment.
As I think about that day when my daughters ask me if they
can begin dating a guy that they really like, I imagine we will have a
conversation full of motherly advice that they have probably already heard many
times over the years. Here is the advice
I would offer to my daughters as they begin dating with a purpose, no matter what age that may be. I would have very similar advice for my son
too, but today’s advice is geared for my girls.
Feel free to share with those in your life who are single and I would love
to hear any advice you might add!
1. Let the
Holy Spirit Be Your Guide.
Sweetheart, you are something special. Not only are you beautiful, but you are intelligent,
kind, talented, funny, and you radiate Jesus!
Boys are going to notice these things about you and it’s going to make
you extremely attractive to them. Some
of these guys will think they love you and they may even tell you that. However, they really just love the idea of
you. Let the Holy Spirit guide you. Others will see your beauty and
lust will enter their heart. They may
tell you they love you because they desire to have more than your heart. They want your body too. The problem with lust though, is once the
initial chase and excitement of getting what they want fades, those guys will
move onto the next lady that catches their eye. The relationship will never move deeper than
the physical attraction. Watch out for
these guys. They will tell you what you
want to hear. You must let the Holy Spirit
be your guide. Don’t fall for the first
guy that tells you what your itching ears want to hear. Instead, listen to the leading of the Holy
Spirit. The Lord has planned out your
days here on this earth and He has gone before you to prepare the way. Your steps are ordered by God. I have full confidence in you that you will listen
to those inner nudgings of the Holy Spirit.
The Lord wants the absolute best for you so He will give you those
nudgings to alert you. Never settle for
less than God’s best. Listen to Him
baby. With his help, you will find your
Mr. Right and you’ll know…you’ll just know.
“So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your
lives. Then you won’t be doing what your
sinful nature craves.” - Galations 5:16
2. Have High
Standards
Baby, I want you to dream about
your future for a minute with me. What
kind of man do you see in your dreams? What
does he look like? How does he treat
you? How does he treat his family and
your family? What kind of father is he
to your children? What kind of
relationship does he have with the Lord?
What kinds of things do you see him doing in your everyday life that
lets you know He loves Jesus? What kinds
of things does he do to show you how much he loves you and your children? Is he a hard worker? Is he a family man? Think about it…make a list of all of all of
the qualities that your “dream man” would possess. Then pray about those things. If GOD puts those desires in your heart, he
will complete the work that He has begun in you and He will grant you the
desires of your heart. Don’t ever let
anyone tell you any different!
"For I am confident of this,
that He who began a good work in you will continue to perfect it until the day
of Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 1:6
With that said, I need you to hear
me. Don’t ever put your standards above
God’s will. Remember what I told you is
the most important thing to remember when dating and seeking God’s best? You must let the Holy Spirit be your
guide! I tell you this because if I had
waited for my “dream man” and waited for that perfect guy that met all of my
high standards, I would have missed my Mr. Right because I would have never
allowed myself to fall in love with your father. He met 6 out of my top 10 prerequisites for
my future husband. The four areas that
he missed were big ones too.
I desired a prayerful man who was a
spiritual leader in our relationship. We
were young when we started dating. If I
had waited for the guy that sent me daily devotions to read with him and
planned Bible studies for us to do together…I may have missed out on the
greatest love story ever! You see, God
knew. God knew that I would be a vital
part in your Daddy’s spiritual development.
We were young and we grew closer to God together. Your Daddy wasn’t that bold leader that I had
always thought I would marry. Instead,
he was a gentle leader. God knew that over
time, your Daddy would be a mighty man of God with a heart to lead his
family. I’m so grateful that God allowed
me to see that in your father, instead of mistaking his quietness for a lack of
leadership. Only the Holy Spirit can do that.
Communication was also an area that
your daddy missed the mark on in the beginning of our relationship. Who am I kidding, he still isn’t the
best. But here’s something I learned
early on in our relationship. Your daddy
is a man of few words. He doesn’t like
to have long, drawn out conversations and it’s difficult for him to express his
feelings. But God…He slowly opened my eyes to this
powerful truth. Although he was a man of
few words, when he spoke, his words were full of wisdom and genuine affection. I have learned to love this quality about
him! I’m so glad the Holy Spirit was my
guide and He opened my eyes to what was important so that I didn’t miss out on
my Mr. Right! God is so good.
Another standard that could have
caused me to miss my Mr. Right was I wanted to marry someone that wanted a big
family. He only wanted two kids…but God
knew. I’m so glad I allowed God time to
change and prepare his heart in the right timing instead of being so focused on
my desires that I let him go. I know
that was because of the leading of the Holy Spirit.
As for the last standard your
father didn’t meet, well…the Lord changed my heart and made me realize it wasn’t
worth losing your father over! Singing
has always been a passion of mine and for some reason, I always dreamed about
marrying a man who could sing as well. I
just knew my future husband would sing me a handwritten love song on our
wedding day and well…that just wasn’t the case!
Your daddy can sing but he won’t ever admit to it and do it in public! I’m so glad the Holy Spirit allowed me to look
past what he couldn’t do and showed me his other strengths and talents. God knew.
Setting high standards and sticking
to them is extremely important as you begin dating and seeking the one God has
for you, but let the Holy Spirit be your guide.
He will open your eyes to see what God sees. The Holy Spirit will make it clear to you
when you need to end a relationship and He will give you clarity when you need
to allow God to work on some of those areas in His timing. Just lean on Him if you see an area that
doesn’t align with your standards. You
will know baby girl…you’ll just know.
3. Don't
Look for Someone to Complete You...Look for Someone to Compliment You
Baby, there is not one man in this world
that will ever complete you. Only God
can do that. But there is a man out
there that will compliment your strengths and weaknesses and he will make you
better. As you begin dating, look for a
guy that pushes you to be greater and do greater…not because you aren’t already
enough, but because he sees something inside of you that you don’t see there yourself. Look for someone who is able to draw that
greater good out of you.
“Just as iron sharpens iron, so one person
sharpens another.”- Proverbs 27:17
4.
Don’t Change Who You Are for a Man.
Don’t ever let a man make you feel like you
aren’t enough. Don’t change who you are
and try to be like someone else. This
world only has one YOU and you were fearfully and wonderfully made, so own it
girl! Do YOU and you keep being
be-YOU-tiful! God has a man for you that
will look at you and treat you like you are God’s gift to him…which you
are! You are one-of-a-kind and you need
a man that sees your strengths and weaknesses through God’s filter and with
love in his eyes.
5. Choose an
Encourager
Listen, if he speaks down to you,
leave him! I don’t care if he does it
jokingly or not, if he speaks to you or about you in a derogatory manner, move
on! He is not the one for you! God’s Word is very clear that our words hold
the power of life and death and as your mother, I can assure you that if he
puts you down in front of his friends or family, he doesn’t cherish you the way
God does.
“Death and life are in the power
of the tongue.” Proverbs 18:21
God clearly tells husbands to love
their wives as Christ loves the church.
You can tell a lot about a man’s heart and whether he values you or not
through his words. Seek for the man that
speaks encouragement over you. He should
be your number one supporter (other than us of course). He’ll know you aren’t perfect, but he’ll sure
think you’re close! His words should
build you up and seek a man that knows how to build up others too! How does he speak when he’s with his
family? How does he speak when he’s with
his friends? His words will reveal a lot
about his heart. Choose an
encourager. If he doesn’t know how to
give genuine praise to you or towards others, his heart isn’t worthy of your love. And if he ever puts others down in order to
make himself look better, that’s just desperate. Rise above that baby and move on. Don’t settle.
God has so much greater for you!
“The good person out of the good
treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil
treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth
speaks.” Luke 6:45
6. Set
Boundaries
I know we have talked about this
since you were a little girl, but I need to remind you to set clear boundaries
before entering into a relationship. If
he doesn’t agree with or respect your boundaries, he’s not the one for
you. And God forbid, if he crosses your
boundaries without your consent, there’s a reason your daddy taught you how to
shoot a gun at a young age! Kill
him! If you aren’t old enough to legally
carry a gun, we will be chaperoning your dates, so if we witness him crossing
the line, he’ll become target practice for us!
Have enough respect for yourself
and for your future husband to protect the sanctity of marriage and the gift of
sex within your marriage. Set clear
boundaries together and hold each other accountable. Don’t put yourselves in situations where
those boundaries can be easily crossed.
Just avoid being alone. You may
think you are a strong person, but one moment of weakness can change your life
forever. Don’t ever be afraid to say no
and to get up and leave. Let the Holy
Spirit be your guide. He will bring
clarity where there are questions. And
one more thing…if you ever wonder if it’s going too far…the answer is YES! There is no confusion when following God’s
design in a relationship so if you aren’t sure, just say no.
7.
Don’t Try to Fix Him.
It doesn’t matter how much you care about a
person or how great of friends you are…if there’s something you don’t like
about a guy, getting involved in a relationship is not going to fix him! And marriage sure won’t fix him! If he doesn’t give you enough affirmation in
your relationship when dating or courting, marriage won’t change it. If he can’t keep a job and support himself as
a single guy, marrying him won’t make him more responsible. If he doesn’t get along well with your
friends and family, marriage won’t make those relationships any stronger. If he has a bad habit, being in a relationship
won’t fix him. Let the Holy Spirit be
your guide. If you don’t see a future
with the person as he is, don’t jump into a relationship with him thinking he
will change someday. Just learn to walk
away with your head held high and have confidence that your future is bright
and God’s ways are higher than our ways.
8.
Do Not Be Unequally Yoked.
We live in a world where evil is looked upon
as good and good as evil. Righteousness
is rare, even within the church. Now,
more than ever, it’s imperative that you use God’s Word as your moral compass and
standard of truth. God’s Word is clear
that we should not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. An “unbeliever” is anyone that is not in right
standing with The Lord. Going to church
doesn’t make you a believer, so let The Holy Spirit be your guide. It doesn’t matter how nice a guy is, how well
he treats you, how rich he is, how generous he is, how loving he is, or how
good-looking he is…if he does not take God’s Word as the final authority in His
life, don’t even entertain a future with him!
I can assure you it is not God’s Will!
You are absolutely amazing on your own sweetheart and you may find a guy
that is incredible! But I can
confidently tell you, if you don’t have Jesus as a common thread in your
relationship and if you don’t put God and His Word first in your life, your
relationship will suffer. Don’t miss out
on God’s best by chasing a nice man. You
don’t need a “good” man…you need a “Godly” man.
“Do not be unequally yoked with
unbelievers. For what partnership has
righteousness with lawlessness? Or what
fellowship has light with darkness?” 2
Corinthians 6:14
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