As I sat there at the table, penciling in all of the
upcoming activities on my calendar, I felt a rush of insecurities flood my
thoughts! In an effort to push anxiety
aside, I just had to laugh. Sometimes,
laughing is the only thing that will keep you from crying. Have you ever been there?
As I looked at everything coming up in the months ahead,
there was a moment where I became painfully aware of all of my weaknesses and
insecurities that would keep me from accomplishing many, if not all, of those
duties!
Homeschooling two kids?
Teaching two different grades that I have never taught before?
Leading a ladies Bible study every week? Leading others when so much learning is still
taking place in my own heart and life?
Leading and serving on a team of volunteers every week? Loving on people that I have never even met?
Hosting families in our home every month?
In that quick moment, I felt my heart begin racing and
butterflies creeped into the pit of my stomach and immediately, I felt
overwhelmed and confused. I began to
question whether or not this was even God’s Will because as I looked at everything
that was on my plate in the coming months, I felt like I was far from
qualified and that terrified me! But God…
Just as quickly as those thoughts of insecurity flooded my
thoughts, God reminded me of this scripture in 1 Samuel 16:7.
“The Lord doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge on outward appearance, but The
Lord looks at the heart.”
As I meditated on this portion of scripture, my perspective
changed and immediately my mind (and body) felt at rest. That’s the power of God’s Word…it’s alive and
active!!! That’s when I couldn’t help
but laugh! Seriously, ya’ll…God has a
sense of humor!
Let me tell you a few secrets about me and then maybe you
will see why I feel like God is laughing all while leading me!
Secret #1: I am an introvert!!!
Most people who know me well, know that I’m a homebody! Remember that blizzard we had several years
back? Well, that was my dream come
true! Our family was trapped at home for
over a week and I loved every second of it!
My husband on the other hand just about went stir crazy! I loved it though! As long as my window blinds are open and I
can at least get outside for some fresh air, life is grand in my little world!
Human interaction, other than with my family, is just not
something that I look forward to! In
fact, if I were completely honest, human interaction can be one of those areas in
my life that produces extreme anxiety for me!
I am not a relational person at all by nature! It is something I have to be extremely
mindful about and that often creates stress for me! I have to be very intentional about planning play
dates, lunch dates, and dinner dates with friends because if not, I could
easily go years without seeing friends who I care about dearly!
I have this inner struggle that constantly plays out in my
mind because I feel like I am a horrible friend if I don’t make an effort to
hang out and spend time with my friends, yet the desire to stay home and just
keep to myself is so strong! Often
times, I schedule a time to spend with friends and I dread it for weeks and
stress about it because it often feels like “just another obligation” on the
calendar! Isn’t that awful!? Just writing it makes me feel like the most
horrible person and friend ever, but this is the struggle that many introverts
have! However, more than not, after I
spend that time with friends, I have so much fun and I always leave telling
myself I really need to do that more often!
There’s a reason God’s Word tells us that we need each other!
“Just as iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another!” –Proverbs
27:17
We need to surround ourselves with people who sharpen
us! That’s how we continue to grow and
remain encouraged! It’s not always
comfortable and easy, but it is necessary.
I’m constantly having to make an active choice to not allow my
introverted personality keep me ineffective.
I need others and honestly, God has others out there that need me! So, even though the easy thing would be to just
stay home and be a hermit, I have to be obedient and create time for
relationships in my life!
Secret #2: I am shy!
Now, most people are shocked to learn this about me, but it’s
true! Everything in me wants to just
stay to myself when I’m in a group setting with people I don’t know very well, however
I never want to be rude or hurt someone’s feeling so I try to be intentional
about being friendly to everyone.
Because talking to new people is extremely uncomfortable for me, I often
find myself rambling about things or the conversation just turns awkwardly
silent after the initial friendly greeting!
This is one thing that causes so much insecurity for me because I am so
worried that I come across rude to others!
It bothers me so much! I often
wish I was one of those people that could just go up to anyone and carry on a
conversation but it’s so hard for me! I
second guess everything I say and I feel like I say the dumbest things
sometimes when trying to start conversation with a stranger! Just thinking about it causes me to cringe! The struggle is real people!!!
When I walk into a room, there is nothing that I want more
than to walk in and get to where I’m going without anyone seeing or noticing
me! However, the minute I make eye
contact with someone, the struggle begins!
Being a shy, introverted person, I immediately feel uncomfortable in
settings with lots of people that I don’t know really well because I am
constantly overthinking things in my mind!
I’m questioning whether at that point of eye contact, is it okay for me to
stay put and just smile and say hello or would that be rude? Do I need to go over and start a conversation
at that point? Were they really looking
at me or maybe they were just looking at someone past me? Keep in mind, all of these awkward thoughts
occur within seconds of being around people!
This is why you will find me often looking at my husband or children as
I walk past a large group of people…as if avoiding eye contact will somehow
help me overcome being shy!
Now, although I’m a shy person, being friendly has never
been difficult for me. If someone comes
up to me and starts the conversation, I’m good!
And if it’s someone I know well and feel comfortable around, I could sit
and talk for hours! It’s really strange
because I feel like I am on such different ends of the spectrum depending on
who I am with!
I am so grateful that God sent His Holy Spirit to strengthen
us where we are weak. I love how The
Living Bible translation says it in 2 Timothy 1:7.
“For the Holy Spirit, God’s gift, does not want you to be afraid of
people, but to be wise and strong, and to love them and to enjoy being with
them.”
It is only with God’s help that I am able love on and enjoy being
with others! That’s Jesus in me and He
has called me to be the light!
Secret #3: I am uncomfortable in the spotlight!
One of the quickest ways you can make me uncomfortable is to
ask me to get up in front of a group! It
really doesn’t matter if I’m in front of a group speaking or just standing, the
thought of everyone looking at me is just excruciating! I get so nervous! I often wish I could just hide under the
nearest table and just pray someone else will come take my place! It terrifies me! I can feel the heat radiate from my face and
I can sense the redness appear on my neck every single time. It’s terrible!
Not only do I despise having all eyes on me, but I often get
extremely uncomfortable when people give me compliments. Isn’t that the oddest thing? What makes it even funnier is the fact that I am a natural
encourager! I love complimenting others
and encouraging people! It does my heart
good to see people succeed and I absolutely love cheering them on! So, why is it so hard for me to accept the
same from others? As much as their kind
words build me up and encourage me, I tend to get uncomfortable when the
attention is on me. I have actually had
to really be intentional with how I accept compliments. I used to deflect a compliment or downplay my
role when complimented in an effort to put the attention onto someone else. However, The Lord has helped change my
perspective. Instead of seeing it as
someone praising me, I now see it as evidence that God is at work in me!
Secret #4: I am
a perfectionist!
I have always been my own worst critic! This can be a good thing and it can also be a
very bad thing! Being a perfectionist
means everything I do is done with great thought! I rarely do anything without a plan! Once I have my plan, I strive to execute that
plan with excellence! I don’t half-way
do anything! I’m an all-in or nothing
kind of girl! Unfortunately, being a
perfectionist has all too often kept me from trying new things. It is very hard for me to do new things that
I haven’t been able to plan and prepare for.
Last year, being my first year homeschooling, I still felt somewhat
confident since I had taught first grade for so long! However, this year is a whole new story! I have never taught Kindergarten or 2nd
grade and it terrifies me that the girls are going to be behind because I may
not teach them everything they need to know!
I feel like I am learning along the way and that terrifies me! I like to know what I’m getting myself into
ahead of time, make a plan to succeed, and then execute it with
excellence. Well, I am learning that God
doesn’t work according to my needs and desires all of the time! He is constantly reminding me that His ways
are greater than my ways!
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord. “As the heavens are
higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts
than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9
Secret #5: I hate change!
I am such a creature of habit! It’s not uncommon for me to eat the same
thing for breakfast and lunch every single day.
When we go out to dinner, we tend to go to the same restaurants over and
over. I have my favorite pair of pants
and my favorite shirts that I wear over and over every week. Once I find a routine that works, I just
stick to it until it doesn’t work anymore!
I would rather keep older electronics because I have them all figured out than
get the newest model and have to change the way that I do things. I just don’t like change!
Change has always been a huge source of anxiety for me. When I am in a position where change is
necessary, I reluctantly walk into that season and the perfectionist in me will
not rest until I feel like I have mastered that change and then once again, I
stay there and hesitate in walking out of that season!
Knowing these things about myself, I get great joy and
amusement seeing how God has used me in this season of my life! I am forever grateful that God doesn’t look
at me and all of my weaknesses. Instead,
he looks at my heart and sees so much potential for growth! Only God can do that! He created my inner most being so he knows
every little detail about me.
He knows that I’m an introvert and He knows that I would
avoid interaction with other people if I were left to my own. That’s why He sent His Holy Spirit to keep
nudging me to get out of my comfort zone!
Obedience isn’t always easy…in fact, it’s often terrifying! But obedience leads to breakthroughs and I’m
constantly amazed how incredibly durable God made me! I think of myself as a rubber band sometimes
and I often feel like God is stretching me so far out of my comfort zone at
times that I sometimes feel like I may snap and break. However, I have discovered that when it’s He
who leads me, my obedience never breaks me.
Instead, it’s as if God propels me forward just as a rubber band would
do if someone stretched it as far as it could go and then released it with a
flick! That’s what God is doing in my
life. He is stretching me and propelling
me! He is showing me that there are so
many great things for me beyond the four corners of my comfort zone!
I think it’s absolutely hilarious that I am in a season in
my life where God is using me and opening up doors and opportunities to serve
in areas that terrify me! Yes, I have some
serious weaknesses that according to man's perspective would certainly disqualify me from stepping into some of the
positions that I am currently in! But
greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world! What the enemy desires to use to make me
ineffective, God sees it as an opportunity for growth! He looks at my heart and sees that deep
inside of me there has always been a girl that has been so compassionate and
sensitive towards others! He overlooks
the fact that I’m a loner and instead he uses my sensitivity to draw me towards
someone to love on them and encourage them.
He doesn’t look at me and see someone who is stubborn and resistant to
change. Instead, he looks at my heart
and he sees how much I love my kids and He knows my desire to see them learn
and grow in their relationship with The Lord so He calls me to go into an
uncharted territory to homeschool them. He
promises to lead me and guide me, offering me wisdom when I don’t know what I’m
doing. When He looks at me, He doesn’t
see the multitude of mess-ups and think I’m useless. Instead, He looks at my heart and He sees my
desire to learn more about His Word and He uses that passion to lead others to
learn along with me. There are so many
others that know more about God’s Word and have credentials and degrees to prove that they are way more qualified to lead a Bible study. Meanwhile, I’m over here, wide-eyed and
mystified as God opens my heart and mind up to new things in His Word daily and
I’m left feeling like there is still so much more that I need and desire to
know! But God sees that and opens up new
doors and opportunities for me to share that desire with others. Only God can do that! He doesn’t see us in our weaknesses! He sees the potential in us!
There is a saying that I once heard and it has stuck with me!
“God doesn’t call the qualified. He qualifies the called.”
God isn’t looking for someone who has it all together! He is simply looking for someone who is
willing to say, “Here I am God. If you
can use anything Lord, you can use me.”
I have learned that when I stop putting limits on God on
where He can use me, that’s when I grow the most! There are moments I still question Him, but
He is so faithful and I have learned to trust Him even when I don’t
understand! He has never failed me and I
am confident that He will continue leading me and guiding me.
So, yes, in those moments where I’m standing before a group
of ladies leading a Bible study and I am terrified to get up in front of them and
could name a dozen or more ladies in the room that are way more qualified to
teach about God’s Word, He is there…guiding me, stretching me, and propelling
me. Yes, in those moments where I’m in a
room full of first time guests making conversation and getting to know them
better, He is there…guiding me, stretching me, and propelling me. Yes, in those moments where I am
homeschooling my children and teaching something new that I have never taught
before and feeling so ill-equipped…He is there…guiding me, stretching me, and
propelling me! He doesn’t look at my
weaknesses and see all the mess. He
looks at my heart and sees my potential and willingness to obey which allows
Him to see the endless opportunities for Him to use me!
Thank you Lord for seeing the best in me and using me to
make a difference in the lives of my family and friends, as well as those that
you have placed into my sphere of influence.
To God be the Glory!
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