If you would have
come across any one of my crayon boxes or spiral notebooks during my elementary
and middle school years, I’m confident you would have found plenty of “I love ____”
doodled all over the front of my supplies.
Depending on the year, the name changed and many years, there would have
been names scratched out and new names added!
Reflecting back, I can remember having a boyfriend as young as first
grade. Granted, as a first grader, my "boyfriend" didn't even have the nerve to talk to me, but we giggled and looked away really fast every time we were caught glancing at each other in class. I'm pretty sure that was the beginning of my obsession with boys and I honestly don’t remember NOT having a boyfriend after that! As a parent now, it bothers me to see how desperate I was to have the attention of boys and how freely I let my heart feel for just anyone. I find myself asking the
question, “When is it appropriate to begin liking someone and at what age is it appropriate for my children to have a boyfriend or
girlfriend?”
I know I’m not
alone. When I was a first grade teacher,
I saw it all the time even though I highly discouraged it. I even had parents walk in for a conference
or parent night asking their child to show them where their girlfriend or
boyfriend sat! It always surprised me
that parents encouraged this at such a young age! Now that my kids are that age, it really
concerns me!
When Myka was
just four years old, she always came home from school eager to tell me all
about her day at school. I can still
remember the time she told me about some boys at school who told her they
wanted to marry her and be her boyfriend. It definitely caught me by surprise that this was already beginning at four years old! Out of all my children, Myka is the most observant and most
inquiring. Because of things she had
seen or heard at school before this happened, we had already had several
conversations about how she was too young to have a boyfriend, but that it was
perfectly fine to have friends that were boys.
I just didn’t feel like it was a good idea for kids her age to even be thinking
about a relationship until they were much older!
So being the “rule follower” that she is, she politely informed these
boys that she wasn’t allowed to have boyfriends until she was older and life
went on for everyone. When she told me
how she responded, I simply told her she handled that perfectly and that’s
exactly what she should say if it happens again. As we said our prayers that night with Myka,
we thanked God for giving Myka the boldness to speak truth in love to her
friends and we prayed for her future husband together. We actually pray often for all of our
children’s future spouse.
Myka is now eight
years old and the conversations continue with not only her, but our other
children as well. Obviously, as parents
we want to make the best decisions for our children because we love them and we
want God’s best for them. We read
countless number of books, blogs, and seek parenting advice from friends and
family because we love our children and want the best for them! However, the only instructional manual that
we have to guarantee God’s best for them is The Word of God! If I have learned anything since becoming a
parent, it has been to pray for wisdom constantly and go to the Word to find
out what God has to say on the matter!
“If any of you lack wisdom, you
should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will
be given to you.” James 1:5
Parenting is hard
ya’ll! The best advice I can give
anyone, especially parents, is to go to God’s Word when you have questions! What does His Word say about it? As we have navigated certain things in our
parenting journey, many times God’s Word is very direct and clear on the
subject. Other times, discernment is
necessary. I fully believe that what God
calls us to do, He will fully equip us to do it well. I have such peace in knowing that, especially
when it comes to raising four children, who all have different personalities,
strengths, and weaknesses. He gives me
what I need in order to raise each of my children according to His
purpose! As parents, we need to
constantly be asking for wisdom and discernment when it comes to
parenting. It is absolutely necessary in
our journey!
As a four year
old girl, Myka was quick to accept my explanation that she was too young to
have a boyfriend. However, as she is
getting older, there are more questions.
She is human and beginning to experience feelings that are completely
normal! She is trying to make sense of
what she feels and work through those feelings based on what her parents have taught
her and what she knows about God’s Word.
As parents we can’t simply ignore or dismiss the actions of our children
so long as they are “innocent”. We need
to be starting the conversation as our children grow, teaching them along the
way. If we wait until a boundary has
been crossed that we deem inappropriate or that makes us uncomfortable, that’s
too late. We live in a culture where
relationships are looked at so casually.
I pray often that The Lord would give me wisdom and lead me in those
conversations that will help instill Biblical values when it comes to
relationships for my children. In order
to do that, I also need to find out what God’s Word says about
relationships!
When Myka was six
years old, I noticed a friendship developing with a little boy at school. Although, there was never any mention of the
relationship being a “boyfriend”, I was fully aware that she became giddy when
talking about him. I would catch myself glancing over at my husband giving him the look that asked him, "Is this a big deal? Do we need to address it? Ignore it?
Encourage it? Wait and see what
comes of it?" I just felt she was way too young to be getting so giddy over a boy. We talk often about
our day and we ask questions that provoke more than yes or no questions. We began to read between the lines as she
spoke of her friend. It goes back to
discernment. Although I knew these kids
are young and completely innocent, I sensed it was time to talk to Myka once again
about guarding her heart and not allowing her heart to cross over the line of friendship to something more. This time, I went to the Bible to get some guidance
before I sat down and talked to her. Unfortunately,
there wasn’t any verse that said, “Do not allow your children to have a
boyfriend or girlfriend until at least 16 years old!” No, I had to dig deeper. I desired to find out if I was overreacting
as a parent or were my concerns actually an inner witness from the Holy
Spirit. I asked God for wisdom and went
to His Word for guidance.
Here’s what He lead me to.
1. “For
you formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother’s womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am
fearfully and wonderfully made.” Psalms 139:13-14
I
want to make sure I clearly explain to my children that God made them perfectly
and it is no surprise to God that we develop stronger feelings for certain
friends. I wanted to explain to Myka
that having a crush on someone was perfectly normal! I don’t ever want my children to feel like
they have sinned or done something wrong because of a thought or feeling! It’s what they do with those feelings and
thoughts that will in essence produce righteousness or sin in their lives so
I wanted to communicate that clearly to her.
2. “Your
eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your
book before one of them came to be.” Psalms 139:16
God planned out all the days of my
children’s lives before their bodies were even formed! Every single day. He wrote my daughter’s love story before she was
even formed! I just think that is so
powerful! I want to teach my children
from a young age to seek God and let the Holy Spirit be their guide. God’s will is perfect and our permissive
wills are not. I explained to Myka that
God already knows who her husband will be and that when the timing is right, He
will allow their paths to cross and a relationship to begin. In the meantime, we need to spend our time
praying for that future relationship and save our heart for the man that God
already has picked out! We talked about
how it might make her feel if her husband didn’t wait for her and he chose to
give a part of his heart to several girls along the way? We talked about how God knows
best and He never makes mistakes and we need to trust that His ways are perfect
and worth waiting for.
And then we prayed. We thanked God for His good plans and asked the Lord to guard Myka's heart. We also prayed for her future husband. We prayed that his parents would teach him the importance of waiting for God’s perfect plan to unfold in his life and be patient for love. We prayed that he wouldn’t be quick to give his heart to the girl who sits next to him in class or the girl that chased him on the playground. We prayed his parents would teach him that God has his whole life already planned out and all we need to do is seek Him and allow the Holy Spirit to be our guide so that we are not lead astray and make decisions that are out of His perfect plan. That is a prayer we pray often with all of our children and it has often provoked many questions and great conversations that focus on relationships through a Biblical perspective.
3. “Be
self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a
roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”
1
Peter 5:8
The
definition of self-control is “the
ability to control oneself, in particular one's emotions and desires or the
expression of them in one's behavior, especially in difficult situations.” As parents, we need to teach our children to
not give into their emotions and desires.
Instead, we need to encourage them to pray about their feelings and
desires and ask God to align their desires with God’s Word and God’s
plans.
There
is an enemy that is fully aware of the good plans that God has for my children
and he despises that! The enemy could
care less about protecting the innocence of my child. He will look for any open door in their life to
encourage thoughts and actions that are contrary to God’s Word and perfect plans and he has absolutely no regard to age-limit! Self-control is necessary when it comes to
having victory over the enemy! If I know
that God has a husband already picked out for my daughters and a wife for my
son, how can I be okay with allowing or encouraging them to have a “boyfriend”
or “girlfriend” when I know it isn’t going to lead to that perfect plan!? It doesn’t matter how innocent the
relationship is...I want to encourage them to die to their fleshly desires (Romans 8:13) and have self-control as
they seek God’s perfect will for their lives. We need to be encouraging self-control and
patience in our children and not making light conversations and inquiring about
their elementary or middle school love life.
We need to teach them how to work through those feelings and emotions
and exercise some self-control by focusing on the end goal, which is to focus
on God’s perfect plan and wait for His perfect timing.
I
truly believe that if my children seek the Lord about their future spouse, it
is completely possible for them to remain single until The Lord allows their
paths to cross and I believe they can move forward in that relationship and
eventually end in marriage without ever having dated another person! I really believe that is possible! With that said, I wouldn’t have a problem
with my children dating someone once they are old enough to date with the
purpose of that relationship leading to marriage. I pray that if at any time they discern or
recognize that relationship is not marriage material, they would end it and
once again exercise self-control and be content with being single while they
wait for God’s will to unfold in His perfect timing.
4. “Marriage
must be respected by all, and the marriage bed kept undefiled, because
God will judge immoral people and adulterers.”
Hebrews
13:4
Although my children are all
very young and sex is not something they are being tempted with right now, this
is still something I want to pour into their heart even now. I can’t be okay with my children having
boyfriend/girlfriend relationships and then all of a sudden, draw the line when
they hit puberty! That would be too
late! The decisions we make today set a precedent in what we will allow tomorrow and down the road.
There is absolutely nothing good that
comes out of boyfriend and girlfriend relationships outside of God’s will….NOTHING! It only produces broken hearts, jealousy,
insecurity, and SIN!
Did
you know that more than 50% of high school students have had sexual intercourse…many
of those having their first sexual experience between the ages of 12-15 years
old? Did you know that less than 3% of
Christians are virgins when they get married?
Did you catch that? 97% of
CHRISTIANS have sex before marriage! These
statistics alone tell me that teaching our children about Jesus is not merely
enough to keep their hearts pure. We
need to do more as parents to help our children live out their purpose according
to God’s plans! I don’t want to be okay
with my children casually giving their heart away to anyone outside of God’s
plan! I don’t want to be okay with my
children being physical with anyone other than their spouse! I don’t want to be okay with “casual”
relationships! I want my children to trust
God’s perfect plan enough to exhibit self-control and have enough respect for
themselves and their “friends” to place boundaries and remain friends and no
more because they don’t want to step outside of God’s best for their
lives! The enemy wants to destroy their
best, but with the Holy Spirit as their guide, God will equip them with the
self-control that they need in order to wait for His best!
These
are the Biblical truths that lead the conversations that I have with my
children about relationships. These are
the truths that guide my parenting decisions.
Some may say I’m overprotective.
Others may say I’m old-fashioned.
I’m okay with that. I trust God
enough to lead me and equip me through His Word and His Holy Spirit as I do my
best to raise up children who live for The Lord! My husband and I have made plenty of mistakes along the way
and I’m sure there will be plenty more, but when I seek God in the quietness of
prayer and go to His Word to find out what He has to say on a matter, it is then that I parent in confidence and
only then. It’s that peace that I have
when I know I am right in the center of His Will that will lead me back to His
Word and back on my knees when the next unchartered territory comes along in my
parenting journey. I pray that you will
do the same…After all, your child may be the spouse I have prayed for so many
times for my child. I pray you are
leading them well.
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