“I promise to be faithful to you, in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, to love you and to honor you all the days of my life.” Nathan and I made that promise to one another twenty years ago today! TWENTY YEARS!!! I still remember the day like it was yesterday. I was full of nervous excitement and couldn’t wait to marry my best friend and love of my life.
I can honestly say, these past twenty years have been the BEST years of my life. We have certainly experienced our “for better or worse, in good times and bad, in sickness and health” moments, but I’m thankful we chose to love each other through it all. We’ve learned a lot about marriage, commitment, and growth during these past twenty years. Some lessons were harder to learn than others and some took longer to learn than I’d like to admit. The truth is, we still haven’t mastered marriage and we still ask the Lord daily to give us wisdom as we navigate this beautiful journey together. We are always changing and growing. Through it all, we have remained best friends and love each other more today than ever. To celebrate this milestone anniversary, I thought it would be fun to compile a list of twenty marriage tips that we want to impart to our children in hopes it will strengthen their marriage someday. In the meantime, maybe this will help a newlywed couple or even a seasoned couple that is seeking to make their marriage stronger moving forward. Regardless of how long you have been married, we should never become complacent. Proverbs 1:32 warns us that “the complacency of fools will destroy them.” Marriage is the closest comparison we have to our relationship with Jesus. We are the bride of Christ. May we all strive to have marriages that resemble Christ’s love. I cherish the wisdom of our parents, mentors, teachers, counselors, and of course the Holy Spirit who is constantly refining us and teaching us how to love each other well. These 20 marriage tips have certainly strengthened our marriage over the years.
1. Make God the center and highest priority of your marriage. Prioritizing God in our marriage means knowing him in our hearts and reflecting Him in our actions. Acknowledging that although our marriage consists of two flawed individuals, there is a Greater One who binds us together and we must allow His Spirit to lead us in unity and in truth in order to accomplish all He had planned when He brought us together. Learning to surrender our plans and our desires and to instead seek God’s will for our marriage and family has made our marriage stronger than ever.
2. Pray for your spouse and marriage. Don’t wait until there’s a problem to pray. The current divorce rate states that 1 in 2 Christian marriages end in divorce. However, for couples that pray at least 5 minutes together daily, the divorce rate is 1 in 1100. Our marriage is worth praying for together! It may be awkward at first, but your marriage is worth it! Pray scriptures over your spouse and call things forth as if they were so. The Word works! Pray the Word over your needs, your children, your finances, and your relationship! Your marriage is worth it. Nathan and I have come a long way in this area over these past 20 years! I’ll never forget the first time I had an anxiety attack and asked Nathan to pray for me. When I asked, “Will you pray for me?” He said, “Sure” so I closed my eyes and waited…and waited…and waited. I finally looked up and said “I need you to pray for me now. I’m having anxiety and I need peace.” He told me he was praying and I said, “No, I need you to pray for me out loud right now and lay hands on me.” He did and you know what…peace came! His prayer wasn’t eloquent. It wasn’t long. It wasn’t rehearsed. It didn’t matter. God heard and God answered. I’m so grateful for the growth that happened over the years and it’s no longer awkward!
3. Communicate Clearly what you like and dislike. Don’t assume your spouse knows. He/She can’t read your mind. It is our nature to want to please those we love. Clear communication increases the frequency of desired behaviors. My love language is physical touch and words of affirmation so when my husband shows love to me in that way, it’s not uncommon for me to tell him how much I love his physical affection or handwritten notes. The more I tell him what I like, the more he does it and vice versa. This doesn’t just apply to love languages. I also appreciate it when Nathan is honest and tells me if he doesn’t like something. I’ll never forget when our kids were young, the kids were always so excited to see Daddy and when he’d walk in the room, they’d all yell, race to daddy, and fight over who could get in his arms first. I always thought it was adorable and proof of what a great dad he was. I would often use that moment to pick up the house from all the toys and clutter that four kids can cause in a day, finish up dinner, or shower for the day. However, Nathan opened up that after a long day of work, he really needed home to be a place where he was welcomed with peace. He explained to me that having a clean home with quiet kids was more important to him than having a homecooked meal. As a busy mom who constantly felt like I wasn’t measuring up because I literally couldn’t do it all, this was like finding a nugget of gold! I may not be able to do it all, but after he told me what he needed, I made sure to set a timer so that about 15 minutes before Dad was to come home from work, the kids and I would run around like crazies picking everything up and lighting a candle to help create a relaxing environment. I would remind them to not scream when Dad got home and would often start them on a quiet activity so that Dad could come greet them and have a moment to decompress for the day. This meant the world to Nathan and he always expressed his appreciation that I took note of what he communicated. Plus, it took the pressure off of me of trying to live up to all the expectations I had placed on myself. To hear that my husband appreciates a good meal, but would prefer a clean house helped me prioritize the needs of my husband and love him well. He does the same for me when I communicate clearly. This is important in the bedroom too. Let each other know what you like and dislike! It will make your marriage stronger! Most offenses that are taken in marriages are due to a lack of communication about unmet expectations.
4. Meet each other’s sexual needs. Ask your spouse what they need and how often they would like to have sex and share your needs and expectations…you may be surprised by what you learn! If your needs are different, learn to compromise for one another. Sex is a spiritual act that brings a couple into physical and spiritual unity unlike any other intimate act. As designed by God in marriage, sex has the ability to heal, strengthen, and permanently bond a couple for life. Never withhold love and affection as a form of punishment for your spouse. Your spouse should never have to earn your affection. That is an open door to the enemy and it will destroy a marriage. I made up my mind years ago that no matter what, if my husband put out a bid for my affection, I would reciprocate and meet that need. Our marriage is stronger than ever because of that one decision! There were times I didn’t feel like it, whether I was tired, carrying an offense, or feeling insecure in my body, but when we come together as one, the Lord blesses that which He has brought together!
5. Give lots of grace. We are human. We make mistakes. Unlike God, our spouses will let us down from time to time. They will disappoint us and more often than not, it’s likely never intentional. When this happens, give grace. Try to respond in a way that you would want your spouse to respond should he be the one frustrated or hurt with something you did. Learn to overlook wrongs and extend grace. Forgive quickly and never hold grudges. Don’t assume the worst about your spouse but see him/her through the eyes of the Father. See their value and ask the Lord if addressing an offense will help or hurt your marriage. If it isn’t going to add value to your marriage by addressing it, let it go.
6. Know your spouse’s love languages and learn how to give love in a way that fills their love bucket! As I mentioned above, my love language is physical touch and words of affirmation. Nathan could buy me gifts, take me on luxurious trips, make me a candlelight dinner, or spend every waking moment with me, but if he isn’t pulling me in close and telling me he loves me, I feel disconnected and unloved. For years, I loved my husband the way I desired to be loved. I was affectionate and affirming and it was obvious to everyone that I loved Nathan very much. However, after 13 years of marriage, we went to see a marriage counselor and for the first time, we were asked to make a list of things our spouse does that makes us feel loved. At the top of my list were things such as holding my hand, putting his arm around me, hugging and kissing me, telling me he loves me, etc. When I read his list, I was shocked! More than half of his list consisted of acts of service! He feels loved when I create a peaceful environment for him, making him a warm bath, cooking him a meal, playing golf with him, planning golf outings for him with friends, etc. All these years, I had been loving him the way I desired to be loved instead of giving him the love nuggets that he desired most. I’m so thankful I have the rest of my life to love him through acts of service and quality time.
7. Set up healthy boundaries to protect your marriage. Discuss what this may look like in your marriage. Whether it’s boundaries with family, friends, work, or finances, boundaries provide protection. The Bible is clear that Satan is prowling like a roaring lion, seeking those who he may devour. None of us are off limits. It’s important we aren’t caught off guard due to lack of boundaries. No matter how innocent it may be, it’s a really bad idea to be alone with someone of the opposite sex. Same with texting. I know it’s not always possible with some careers, but for our marriage, we are committed to avoiding the very appearance of evil. We want to live above reproach when it comes to protecting our marriage.
8. Be your spouse’s number one cheerleader in life! Everything you say should either build up or cheer up your spouse. Never speak insults to your spouse or degrade each other. And by all means, NEVER PUT YOUR SPOUSE DOWN TO OR IN FRONT OF OTHERS! Your spouse needs to have a partner that is cheering them on in life! There’re enough haters in this world trying to tear us down. In marriage, that isn’t so. Your friends and family should only hear positive things about your spouse. Do not jokingly insult your spouse in front of others either. Brag on your spouse often, in public and in private. Dream together and cheer each other on in life!
9. Set a mutual purchase limit and never buy anything over that amount without consulting and being in agreement. This is just good wisdom in partnership. Marriage is the joining of two people so our spending should be joint endeavors as well.
10. It’s better to wait on a decision until you are in unity. Whether it’s a big decision or little decision, seek unity. For those who are visionaries, this may be difficult. In marriage, allow the Lord to confirm the vision to your spouse before moving forward. God’s nature is to unify and never to bring confusion, so if there isn’t peace, clarity, or unity, it’s better to wait. This proved to be a costly lesson in our marriage, but God’s mercies are new every morning. We’ve learned over time that when we are self-seeking, it leads to division, but when we seek the Lord’s will, unity always comes.
11. Date your mate often and take turns planning the dates! Marriage should be fun whether you are newlyweds or been married for fifty years! Several years ago, we made a list of what our top 10 dates would look like. Then we started taking turns planning one of those dates every month. When we made it through all of the ideas, we added some more, repeated some, or just planned a date the other person would really enjoy. And date nights are not for discussing serious matters. They should be fun and a time of reconnecting! Also, I highly encourage you and your spouse to have overnight dates at least once a month. If you don’t have family nearby to keep your children, consider trading off babysitting for another couple that you trust to keep your kids so that you can have that uninterrupted time together.
12. Be open and honest always. Trust in marriage is vital. Imagine a bathtub full of water, when trust Is broken in marriage, it’s like pulling the drain in the tub. The water drains quickly and before you know it, the tub is empty much like a marriage without trust. The only way to fill the tub back up is one drip at a time. Trist isn’t something that can be poured into a marriage. You can’t just refill the tub again over night. It takes consistency for trust to build back up…one kept word at a time, one transparent conversation at a time, one love nugget at a time…one drip at a time. Depending on how long the drain was pulled, it can take years to refill the marriage up with trust again, so be open and honest always. Be transparent. Don’t ever withhold information from your spouse in order to protect them. Secrecy breeds distrust even when intentions are pure so be open with your spouse about everything.
13. Be a team and share responsibilities and recognize when each other need a break. Marriage is not 50/50. It is 100/100. We are a team and share most roles. Nathan obviously is the one who works outside of the home to earn our living and I stay home and take care of the home, educate the kids, and take care of the kids’ needs during the day. However, when Nathan gets home of an evening, we are partners on the same team. We teach and train our kids together, we share the responsibilities of cooking, cleaning, yardwork, paying bills, shopping for groceries, attending games, practices, etc. We love doing life together and helping one another. If I know Nathan has had a rough day or isn’t feeling well, I’m happy to take on some of the tasks that he typically does. He does the same for me without hesitation. Approaching marriage as a team rather than with individual expectations will allow you to better serve one another.
14. Serve in ministry together. It’s okay to serve individually as well, but it’s important to find something you do together. There is nothing more fruitful than serving the Kingdom together. Give and it shall be given unto you. The law of sowing and reaping is a Biblical principle that applies to marriage too. When we serve others together with the purpose of growing the Kingdom, our marriages will be blessed! There is nothing more attractive than to watch my husband serve the Lord and serve others like Jesus!
15. Prepare for change and love each other through it. You will never be the same person you were when you were married. We are all evolving, growing, maturing, and changing. Embrace it and appreciate it. When Nathan and I got married, I was the outgoing and confident one in our relationship. However, the older I get, my awareness of my weaknesses and my need for a Savior has humbled and quieted me quite a bit. On the other hand, Nathan’s experience in business and customer service has developed his ability to communicate with anyone! He’s no longer that quiet and timid kid that I married twenty years ago. He’s still a man of few words but he has a quiet confidence about him now. Wouldn’t it be a shame if I thought that man I married twenty years ago was already his best version of himself and resented the change and growth that has taken place since then? As long as we have breath, we will forever be on the journey of transformation to becoming more and more like Jesus. We will never arrive but we can keep learning and growing. Don’t resent change. Learn to embrace it and love your spouse through it.
16. Have fun together and laugh a lot! I cherish every laugh line I have gained over these past twenty years! Take up fun hobbies together, make each other laugh, be silly, dance, and don’t be too serious! Enjoy life together and find the joy despite your circumstances!
17. Prioritize each other. Your spouse comes before your kids, your work, your well-being, your family, your ministry…before everything…except for God! Live your life in a way that it is evident to others that your spouse is your number 1! That may mean being quick to answer or respond to each other’s calls and texts regardless of where you are or what you are doing because it sends a message to your spouse that they are important. Teaching your children not to interrupt when the two of you are talking. Not taking business calls during certain hours sends a message to your spouse that you value your time together more than money. Having your children sleep in their own beds sends a message to your spouse that you prioritize intimacy with them over closeness to your children. Our actions speak louder than words so make it evident that you prioritize your marriage by putting each other first.
18. Communicate using “I” language. Using accusatory speech puts our spouse on defense. Using “I” language is a way to express your thoughts and feelings in an assertive, non-aggressive way that tends to make our spouse more willing to listen. This is especially helpful for diffusing conflicts in a polite way. It’s not only effective in marriage, but in all relationships! I am still a work in progress in this area, but I have seen the difference it makes in our marriage.
19. Be present. You can be right next to your spouse, yet be so far away. Be sure and connect with your spouse every single day for at least 15 minutes. Don’t allow yourself to be distracted during this time. Put your phone down, shut the door, turn the television off, whatever it takes…be present. There are so many things competing for our time and attention so when we come together each day, let’s make that time count.
20. Remember, the devil is a liar. Thoughts will come and thoughts will go, but thoughts that aren’t spoken or acted upon, will die void. Satan loves to shout lies about our marriage, our spouse, and our life. He loves for us to compare and compete so we will live in defeat. Don’t fall into his traps. If the grass looks greener on the other side, it’s time to water your own lawn! His lies start as a thought, then become imaginations, only to become strongholds. Learn to take the thoughts captive before they become strongholds! The Word is our weapon.
